Issue #24: Afterdeath!
Well, this cover is a relief. After that 'next issue' blurb last time round, I was expecting an ACTUAL fight to the death between Optimus and Megatron. Turns out it's all part of a videogame, those tricksy Marvel people. I should have known they wouldn't be so stupid as to kill off one of the two main characters. Hey, after reading this comic, maybe child-me will get down the cinema to watch the recent Transformers: the Movie, so I can enjoy my alive-and-well Transformers buddies even more.
...also, how good is that videogame for the eighties? I don't remember having anything LIKE that. I remember my Atari 2600 being the most awesome thing EVER, and I remember the amazement of new games being so complex that they filled an ENTIRE CASSETTE TAPE, but even Frogger didn't look as good as this!
Okay, so we meet the player of these games, Ethan Zachary. He's the kind of responsible young adult that uses his workplace's supercomputer and fifty-foot screen for playing videogames. I bet he steals paperclips, too. His colleague Margaret is more interested in finishing her work on something called the hydrothermocline, but there are subtle hints that she wouldn't mind a bit of extracurricular 'roleplaying' with young Ethan as well.
"There are a lot of other things you could do to relax, Ethan," she nudges, but sadly he's as oblivious as most videogaming nerds. When he talks about entering a back door, he's talking cheatcodes, people. "I think've heard too much," says Margaret, and I heartily agree. What a loser!
At the Ark, Wheeljack finally yanks out the bug that Bombshell stuck into Prime back in #22, which is handy, nay, almost unbelievably convenient, because they can overhear the 'Cons' plans to attack Ethan's lab. That way, when Megs and the Combaticons arrive, Optimus and the Protectobots are there waiting for them. Hang on a minute, have I missed their origin stories or something? *goes back and checks* Nope, I guess after shoehorning in several dozen rationalised new characters, Bob's finally given up. Whatever.
We get all set up for a classic Defensor/Bruticus smackdown, but then for budgetary reasons (Don Perlin was on his last pencil) Megatron realises that a fight might destroy the very tech he came there to get. Luckily, no-life weiner Ethan has an alternative plan; why not fight... in a VIDEOGAME? Awesome! It'll be like Tron, but without Shockwave-soundalike David Warner or neon jumpsuits.
Megatron ups the stakes, though... whoever loses the game... gets destroyed in real life! Dun dun DUN! Although, if that happened in more games, you might get less profanities and casual racism on XBox Live... at least after the first few executions. The Autobots agree, and within moments they're in the curiously bland virtual Multi-world. Everybody splits up, the better to showcase their toy abiliti... uh, the better to explore.
In vineland, the land of vines (none vinier), Streetwise and First Aid tangle (heh) with Swindle and Brawl. The Cons get the drop on them, but end up getting ambushed by the apparently sentient vines (from vineland) and blasted to pieces.
Meanwhile, in the cloud steppes (made up of... oh, you can figure it out), Blades and Groove face off with Vortex and Blast Off, and again win the day with the help of the local inhabitants, who they refuse to let die. Hmmm... sanctity of life as a personal code... I wonder where Bob is going with this... somewhere non-idiotic, I hope...
And finally, in the slimepit (this virtual world... is pretty unfocused, isn't it? I mean, where's the traditional ice level? Or the lava one?) Hotspot and Onslaught go Mano-y-mano, and... yup, you guessed it; it's the Autobot's aid of the local people that helps him to triumph. If the moral of this issue was a hammer, Bob would be smashing your teeth out with it.
That just leaves Prime and Megatron to finish things in Metropipe (that's more like it; maybe someone's played Super Mario after all). Megatron gets pretty soundly thrashed, but... oh teh noes! He knows all about Ethan's cheat code, and uses it to blast Prime over a cliff. Things are looking pretty bleak... child-temple is welling up... and then Prime pulls down the tower behind Megatron, sending him plummeting into the abyss. And the crowd goes wild! Okay, so maybe a few pixelated citizens fell as well, but who gives a $£%&, right? They're sprites!
All right, so time for the victory lap, right, Optimus?
...what do you mean, "knowingly harmed innocents?"
...what do you mean, "press the button on my joystick?"
HOLY CRAP, THEY BLEW UP OPTIMUS! THATS THE STUPIDEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN! Jeezus, Ethan, you didn't HAVE to do what he said, you know? And I mean, you could still press the button to blow up Megatron as well; he's standing right there! No? Just gonna let him go, huh? Well, thanks a %&£$ing bunch. The Decepticons leave with the hydrowhatsit, the Autobots leave with Opti-chunks on a flatbed.
Oh, but what's this? Ethan has stored Optimus's personality? Wait, on a floppy disk??! That doesn't make sense, even by eighties logic, Bob! But I guess at least once Ethan gives the disk to the Autobots, they can bring their beloved leader ba- why the hell is he putting it in a random diskcase and putting it away? WHAT THE &%$£ING HELL, ZACHARY?
Sorry, people, sorry; I guess my childhood scars haven't quite healed yet. I'll try and do the next issue once I get over thi-THAT WAS SO UNBELIEVABLY &%£$ING STUPID! NOT COOL, BOB! NOT COOL AT ALL!
Because too many people have punched him at cons
-You know, either I'm becoming inured to Nelson's endearing incompetence, or my vision has been clouded by childhood rage, but I didn't notice any mistakes this issue. I guess that's ONE thing in its favour...
Last edited by temple
on Tue Jul 31, 2012 1:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.
You exist because we allow it. You will end because we demand it.
Oh, and OK to print...